What Culture : Biggest Films of 2012 – Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2

What Culture : Biggest Films of 2012 – Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2

After destroying The Philosophers Stone with The Hunger Games; marauding The Chamber of Secrets with The Avengers (great idea for a sitcom anyone?). Taking Prometheus to meet the Prisoner of Azkaban; and then taking a sip from a Goblet of Fire with my good friend Brave. Enrolling in The Order of the Phoenix with The Amazing Spider-Man and fighting the Half Blood Prince with The Dark Knight Rises whilst inexplicably splitting one book into two films for no other reason than to milk the teet of the cinemagoer bone dry whilst going in a Loop…-er.

We are here at part eight of my increasingly ridiculously introduced Biggest Films of 2012; with The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2! Are you excited? You better be!

Release Date: 16th November

WHAT COULD BE AWESOME ABOUT IT:

So after 4 years, 4 films, millions of annoyingly high pitched screaming fans, a total worldwide gross of nearly $2.5 billion, 493 minutes of film and a grand total of 1 facial expression from Kristen Stewart, Twilight is coming to an end…

So let’s see what could be awesome about it!

I know, I know the very notion of putting the words Twilight and awesome within 187 miles of one another is something ridiculous enough to induce fits of hysterical laughter between here and Stoke-on-Trent (which incidentally is 188 miles away from my location, Bournemouth, if you take the M5. You don’t get this kind of research in The Guardian do you?). And although one of the only good things that will follow the conclusion to Stephanie Meyer’s laughably ridiculous film series is the fact that it’s ending. It’s undeniable that; no matter how preposterously inexplicable it is; this is going to be one of the big films of the year…No seriously. It is. Don’t ask me how. It just is.

Despite fashioning its story telling into the shape of a huge ball of teenage angst, filling it with appropriate teenage angst storylines, teenage angst faces and teenage angst music and repeatedly forcing it down our throats like an evil character from a Hitchcock disaster movie; Twilight has given us some good moments which could reappear in its final instalment.

The CGI for one thing is always solid ground for a chuckle or two, because it seems that no matter how much money Summit throws at these films they can never master the art of not making Edward and Jacob in motion look like moderately powerful uncles of Alvin and the Chipmunks. If you don’t believe me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFKgawl3TrA (from about 2.30 onwards).

Furthermore one of the biggest enigmas surrounding these films is the will she/won’t she pull a face that actually resembles any kind of human emotion that has ever existed by Kristen Stewart. One of the greatest mysteries in cinema will conclude this year and I for one can’t wait for it.

WHAT COULD SUCK ABOUT IT:

With all due respect, it’s very easy to poke fun at Twilight. If it isn’t the terrible acting, Kristen Stewart’s face, awful CGI, Kristen Stewart’s face, terrible storylines, Robert Pattinson’s face, legions of irritating fans, Taylor Lautner’s nipples or the upsetting night themed titles, there’s always something to complain about.

But when it comes down to it; this franchise is still here. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson still get film roles and there are people in the world who know what Twilight is but don’t know what The Shawkshank Redemption is. What’s been good about this movie franchise? Very little. But who won?

When Twilight opens in November to masses of screaming fans who quite clearly are oblivious to or refuse to believe film people like me telling them these films are rubbish and makes an enormous profit those will be the people laughing; because Twilight won. Twilight will make more money than Reservoir Dogs, The Shawshank Redemption, Se7en and countless other films combined; and I think that’s what will suck the most about it.

That when it comes down to it; the film critics and the majority of cinema fans lost. Twilight won.

Predicted Star Rating: For a Twilight fan: 879,652/5. For a sane person: 1/5

Any questions? No? Moving on…

Predicted Box Office Gross: $800m +

End of a franchise which has averaged 600m throughout, it’s going to be big. Although I don’t know what’s sadder, how much money that is or the fact it was a conservative estimate… I really don’t know.

Source => What Culture / Via => Spunk Ransom